ST CHARLES, MO

Stating that the overall effort put forth in the ongoing series of laser tag matches from local father Doug Rydzynski has been “way over-the-top,” players and staff at the St. Charles LazerZone Arena agreed that the 43-year-old is, without question, taking this whole thing way too fucking seriously.

“This guy, who I guess is one of the kid’s dads, has been in here all day playing really hard,” said LaserZone employee Kyle Zimmer. “Like, I mean really, really hard. He’s been sprinting around the arena screaming at his teammates for most of the afternoon. We’ve heard him calling out strategies and defensive tactics, all sorts of stuff,” he said. “It’s one of the most intense things we’ve ever seen at a birthday party.”

Rydzynski, who had ‘absolutely zero help’ from his teammates in the first two rounds of action, stressed that the upcoming game was ‘pivotal’ for the red team’s chances at victory in the series.

“We need to start talking out there,” said a winded Rydzynski. “The yellow team’s base is so vulnerable, yet apparently nobody on red wants to capitalize on that,” he stated. “I said it six or seven times in the lobby: If we don’t work as a unit we can’t win. It’s just that simple.”

Rydzynski, sweating and frustrated during intermission, had apparently spent more than 10 minutes arguing and protesting to staff members that the teams of 6th graders had been distributed ‘unfairly.’

“Listen, we’re getting lit up by the blue team. They’re just outplaying us, plain and simple,” Rydzynski said. “I mean, I personally think that Connor and Justin are camping and their whole strategy should be illegal, but I guess none of the employees here care about rules,” he added. “Oh, and not to mention I’ve had 40% of our team’s kills, and no one else on red has even tried to take over the center of the arena, so, yeah.”

At press time, Rydzynski was seen diving wildly across the green team’s home base, shouting at a teammate named Andrew to do a better job covering him.