“Our ability to coerce young women into silence is something that we really pride ourselves on here at Ohio State,” head coach Urban Meyer said at a press conference Thursday morning.

“We teach our guys from day one how important it is to take their responsibilities as a member of this team seriously, and that means learning with absolute precision how to rape without consequence,” Meyer continued. “We want to be a paradigm example of a program that takes silencing our players’ hundreds of victims very, very seriously, and we hope that in doing so we can set an example on how college football teams across the nation can keep their victims from speaking out and potentially damaging the University’s biggest cash cow.”

Meyer declined to comment on the specifics of their strategic browbeating but expressed great enthusiasm for the future of Ohio State and for programs across the country.