By: GUY SANDERS
Another year, another travesty.
People Magazine have unveiled their selection for “Sexiest Man Alive,” and once again they have failed (miserably).
People announced yesterday that Blake Shelton is their official selection for “Sexiest Man Alive” 2017.
For the 32nd consecutive year, smoking-hot republican bad boy Newt Gingrich has been robbed of the title that we all know is so rightfully his. But how? Handsome, stern, youthful, seductive; all of these are words that encapsulate who Gingrich is as a man and as (i assume) a lover. Oh, and not to mention him being voted “Healthiest/Most Vibrant Skin” at four out of the last five Republican National Conventions, which is no small achievement (Ben Carson absolutely glows). But facts are facts: and our man is just that good. Also, we need not question who has the stronghold on the middle-class midwest female 50-65 demographic during primetime. It’s the round-headed, silver haired heartthrob himself.
FACT: 19 out of the past 20 Sexiest Men Alive have been either actors or singers. One was an athlete (David Beckham, 2014) who honestly didn’t even belong in the discussion. There’s no secret which way People Magazine tends to lean; we all know what they’re about. But of all the years Gingrich has been left off of the cover, this one hurts the most.
Now, I don’t have too much to say about Blake Shelton. I really wanted to take this time to simply address all of the people out there who are are in the same boat as I am, the millions of us who I’m sure all feel exactly the same way right now:
I want to tell you all that it’s ok to be mad. It’s ok to feel upset. Confused. Betrayed. Lost. Heartbroken. How many years will we sit here, waiting to hear the rightful name called? How many Novembers will end with devastation? I, like many Newters all over the world, have suffered through countless Gosling’s and Reynolds’. We have seen all the Efron’s and the Depp’s get their recognition. Yet one man, the inevitable heir to the throne (and unquestionably the most physically gifted sex symbol the United States has ever seen), is yet to be named king. What’s the deal, People Magazine? Why deny it? The time is running out for you to do the right thing, and I think that it’s best that you know justice will be served either one way or another.
So, In accordance with their egregious selection matching the pent-up frustration of millions of Americans, I hereby give People Magazine one last chance– one more year- to make things right.
If my favorite former Speaker of the House/Award Winning Author/Grade-A Hunk isn’t named People’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ in 2018, I will boycott the magazine. And I’m sure many Newters out there will do so as well.
We have been robbed, my fellow Gingrich faithful. Again. It’s about time that we get what we deserve. It’s about time Newt gets what he deserves.
I’m disappointed. But I’m not giving up yet.
Either Newt Gingrich is given what is undeniably his, the title of Sexiest Man Alive, or People Magazine will face a wrath previously unknown to mankind. Or at least a wrath unknown to the world of celeb/human-interest periodicals.
❤ Newter for life ❤
we love you newt